BaKhabar, February 2011, Page-4

better light a candle than curse the darkness

Parenting simplified

By Naushad Ansari, Bangalore (ruby.naushad@gmail.com)

Children have a very delicate mind and need equally delicate, gentle, sensitive and sensible approach of parenting
There are 6 ingredients of parenting recipe:
a)      Happy Bonding
b)      Understanding
c)      Care
d)      Need
e)      Respect
f)       Discipline

Happy bonding: For small kids love is equal to happy times spent together. They do not understand the philosophical and emotional meaning of love before they are 5-6 years old. They want quality as well as quantity of time from parents in order to feel loved. It is easier to discipline those children who feel unconditionally loved by their parents.

Understanding: It is very important for parents to understand at what stage of development the child is in. this helps in better understanding of what to expect and what not to expect from the child. For example, a 3 year old understands 1 to 1 relationship only and feels dismissed when 2 people interact with each other. Disciplining him/her to keep quiet when papa-mumma are talking is beyond his maturity level. Also, it is very important to understand the child’s feelings and emotions behind his/her actions/behaviour. Unless feelings are addressed, behaviour cannot be corrected.

Care: Children feel loved when they are taken care of. When parents take care of kids’ basic needs, kids feel connected and wish to follow what is told to them. Besides taking care of needs, it is equally important for parents to make kids feel that parents care about them too. This gives kids a sense of security and the need to rebel goes down.

Need: Since children are dependent on parents for many small and big things, they know how much they need their parents around. Since parents often do not verbalize how much they need kids, the kids start feeling powerless, useless in the house. Their ‘wrong’ behaviour often stems from this feeling of uselessness to see how much power they hold. If parents start verbalizing that they need kids as much as kids need them, the power struggle gets minimized.

Respect: parents demand respect from kids, but do not worry too much about giving respect to kids. Simply agreeing to what kids are saying is not equal to giving them respect. To respect a kid means, to listen intently, to intervene appropriately when required, to ask for opinion, to inform about things happening planned in the house for family members etc. kids shouldn’t be given open ended choices, because such choices generally get rejected by the parent who just offered them. For example:

Parent: do you want dinner?
Kid: no
Parent: but its time for dinner now
Kid: ok. Give (perplexed, why he was asked if he wanted to eat or not)
Parent: what do you want for dinner?
Kid: pizza
Parent: pizza?? You know we don’t have time to order for pizza. I am making chapatti. Do you want some?
Kid: no
Parent: why? Everyone is having chapatti tonight. Sit down on the dining chair. I will serve you dinner now
Kid: but I don’t want to have chapatti. (perplexed why he was asked what he wanted for dinner in the first place)
Parent: oh god! You cant tell me at the last minute what you want. Now eat what’s being served.

By this time the child feels confused, rejected, ridiculed and downsized. This can lead to many problems later.

The right approach might be:
Parent: dinner is ready. Do you want to eat now or after finishing your puzzles?
Kid: after finishing my puzzle
Parent: so that should take you 10 minutes, right?
Kid: yes
(after 5-6 minutes)
Parent: 10 minutes are going to be up soon. Hope you are solving your puzzle fast.
Kid: yes I am.
(4-5 minutes later)
Parent: dinner time now. Come
Kid: but my puzzle is not finished
Parent: I am sorry to hear that. You thought it would be finished in 10 minutes, but it’s taking you longer. Let’s do one thing. Finish your dinner first and then finish the puzzle with more energy that you will get from the chapatti.

A child, whose choices have been respected like this, is more likely to follow what the parent is saying. In order to be sweet and loving parents, parents shouldn’t allow any disrespect from their kids either.

Discipline: Many of us think that discipline and punishment are synonyms of each other. When we hear the word discipline we think of strictness, shouting, beating etc. discipline and punishment are entirely different in their approach, focus, consequences. Punishment has been a widely accepted, preferred and easy method of fostering discipline for children who do not comply to parents’ demands. Discipline aims at:
a.    understanding of right and wrong
b.    understanding of consequences of behavior
c.    understanding safety
d.    developing self control

While discipline aims at teaching right from wrong and focuses at the behavior, punishment attempts at stopping the wrong and focuses at the child. Some consequences of punishments are:
a.    Anger
b.    Fear/ phobia
c.    Depression
d.    Defiance
e.    Dependence

Few tips for right approach to discipline:
a. Appreciate good behavior not just good performance
b. Say “YES” much more than you say “NO”
c. Give your child some rights and freedom of choices
d. Be consistent not adamant
e. Don’t say what you wont do
f. Have different approach for intentional and accidental actions
g. Remove from the scene of crime, if ok.
h. Get down to the child’s level and listen what he/she has to say before passing any judgment
i. Focus should be on the behavior and not on the child
j. Refrain from any name-calling and hitting
k. Give a time-out if the unacceptable behavior continues, say, after trying to control 3 times

Aim of giving time –outs:

a. To get some breathing space for yourself and the child to prevent hitting and name-calling
b. To give a clear message of what is not acceptable ‘AT ALL’

Method of giving time-outs:
a. Time-out doesn’t mean locking the child in a room
b. Ask the child to sit on the ‘soothing-chair’
c. Tell him/her why time-out has been given and for how long
d. Tell him/her that you expect no activity during time-out
e. Leave the place, but keep the child in sight
f. At the end, shower the child with love, hugs and strokes
g. Explain in short about the right and wrong.
h. Use time-outs judiciously.

“Children need time out after they act out, but parents need a time out before they act out”
- a wise parent